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The 'Ask Aaron' 15th Anniversary 'Mad Lib' Contest
Team Run Amok started 'Ask Aaron' in 2003 to answer the occasional robot combat question sent to our team. Twenty years and 7200 questions later we're still here and still fielding a very broad range of practical, theoretical, arcane, obscure, and sometimes just plain silly questions. In 2013, Aaron had taken to adding haiku to the end of his answers to questions on his namesake webpage. This lead us to celebrate that year's 10th anniversary of 'Ask Aaron'with a Robot Haiku Contest. For 2018's 15th anniversary I reached a little farther back into the history of 'Ask Aaron' for inspiration. 
The Story
Late in 2009, Aaron tired of answering a nearly constant stream of "What ever happened to..." questions about obscure robots that fought once, lost, and were never heard from again. Out of this frustration Aaron developed what would become the most celebrated feature of 'Ask Aaron':
Q: What ever happened to insert name of obscure old robot that fought only once and lost?
A: More than 4000 robots have fought in organized combat events in North America alone. Most of these robots have uninteresting stories -- they were built, they fought, they lost, and their builders moved on. We have very little interest in most of these obscure robots, but if you are interested and willing to dig thru old website archives and combat records, see FAQ questions #30 and #31.
We get so many variations on this question that I've started entertaining myself by playing 'Mad Libs' with the answer:
A: Middleweight 'Boy Howdy' fought one match at the '95 US Robot Wars and lost to 'La Machine'. Depressed, 'Boy Howdy' made its way to the center of the Golden Gate Bridge and leapt off - only to land on the deck of a freighter bound for Myanmar. After hitching a ride into Rangoon, 'Boy Howdy' worked as a juice squeezer at a roadside drink stand for several years and saved every penny until he had enough money to open a small barber shop. He married a lovely girl named Mintaya and had four children: a girl, two boys, and a master cylinder. The family is doing well.
You can read the complete collection of 'Obscure Robot Mad Libs' in Aaron's Greatest Hits.
I am the mystic genie of combat robot fortune! I can predict what will be the most powerful and unbeatable design for you! I recommend you make your robot [unusual shape]-shaped and use [unusual material] to armor it. It should be [excessively large or small dimensions], and be armed with [a/an] [unusual and/or illegal weapon]. You should use [unusual drive motors] for your drive motors and [unusual weapon motor or actuator, relevant to weapon type] to power your weapon. Your srimech should be [a/an] [unusual mechanical device]. Follow my advice and you will win many battles and reach the top rank of your robot's weight class!
A: I am the mystic genie of combat robot fortune! I can predict what will be the most powerful and unbeatable design for you! I recommend you make your robot diamond-shaped and use rawhide to armor it. It should be two kilometers wide by half an angstom long, and be armed with a hand grenade. You should use hamster wheels for your drive motors and a slingshot to throw the grenade. Your SRiMech should be the hamsters that jump out of the wheels. Follow my advice and you will win many battles and reach the top rank of your robot's weight class!
[Robot Name] is looking forward to quit its job as a [random job] and spend more time with the family. If you are talking about the next [robot competition], [Robot Name] plans to have a better [type of robot weapon] and maybe a minibot named [random name].
A: 'Pork Chop Jr.' is looking forward to quit its job as a Starbucks barrista to spend more time with the family. If you are talking about the next Rocket City Robot Assault, 'Pork Chop Jr.' plans to have a better lawn rake and maybe a minibot named 'Festus'.
Do what all the 'cool' builders do...
[Use all of the following that apply to the required component]
A: Do what all the 'cool' builders do...
Whoa, what an awesome fight! [old robot #1], obviously much larger and more powerful, got in the first hit and knocked [old robot #2] across the arena. Then [old robot #1] stood on [old robot #2]'s foot and used him as a punching bag. It was looking bad for [old robot #2], when suddenly a can of [something that comes in a can] popped out of [old robot #2]'s [part of a robot] and rolled over to the [an arena hazard] that ripped open the can and sent a spout of [the stuff that comes in a can] arcing across the arena and straight into [old robot #2]'s charging port.
A trumpet fanfare rang out and [old robot #2]'s [weapon on old robot #2] grew really huge and started spinning mega fast. [old robot #2] went airborne and flew faster and faster around the arena, then the whole robot turned into a blockbuster bomb with a fist on the end and dove down onto [old robot #1]. There was a huge [loud sound effect] and a thick cloud of smoke. When the smoke cleared, [old robot #2] and his skinny girlfriend were standing over the crumpled chassis of [old robot #1]. [old robot #2] sang a little sea chanty, tooted on his pipe, and his girlfriend kissed him.
To tell the truth I didn't actually find a video of that fight, but I did find an old Popeye cartoon on VHS. What I remember of the robot fight you wanted went pretty much the same way.
A: Whoa, what an awesome fight! 'Squeeky McGee', obviously much larger and more powerful, got in the first hit and knocked 'Pork Chop Jr.' across the arena. Then Squeeky stood on Pork Chop Jr's foot and used him as a punching bag. It was looking bad for little Pork Chop, when suddenly a can of spinach popped out of PCJ's battery compartment and rolled over to an arena buzzsaw that ripped open the can and sent a spout of spinach arcing across the arena and straight into Pork Chop Jr's charging port.
A trumpet fanfare rang out and Pork Chop Jr's single toothed disk grew really huge and started spinning mega fast. PC Jr. went airborne and flew faster and faster around the arena, then the whole robot turned into a blockbuster bomb with a fist on the end and dove down onto Squeeky McGee. There was a huge 'KABOOM' and a thick cloud of smoke. When the smoke cleared, Pork Chop Jr. and his skinny girlfriend were standing over the crumpled chassis of Squeeky McGee. Pork Chop Jr. sang a little sea chanty, tooted on his pipe, and his girlfriend kissed him.
To tell the truth I didn't actually find a video of that fight, but I did find an old Popeye cartoon on VHS. What I remember of the robot fight you wanted went pretty much the same way.
After losing all of its matches at [Name of Event], [Name of Robot] fled to India where it competed in cage matches for thousands of Rupees. After crippling a [Job at a University] at IIT [Indian City], it got a job on a Chinese TV show where [Chinese Actor/Actress] drove it into the hazards. Depressed and now missing [Robot Part(s)], it went drinking at a KTV where it met a girl from [Chinese Province]. Returning home with her, [Name of Robot] settled down to life as a [Job in China].
A: After losing all of its matches at Rocket City Robot Assault, 'Pork Chop Jr.' fled to India where it competed in cage matches for thousands of Rupees. After crippling a Professor at IIT Goa, it got a job on a Chinese TV show where Zhang Yimou drove it into the hazards. Depressed and now missing a wheel, it went drinking at a KTV where it met a girl from Xinjiang. Returning home with her, 'Pork Chop Jr.' settled down to life as a Goat Herder.
Ian's prize is on its way. He didn't want to speculate on Zimbabwean currency, so he picked good ol' US dollars. I've already hidden his name in the 'Combat Robot Hall of Fame' -- let's see how long it takes him to find it.
Copyright 2018 by Mark Joerger -- all rights reserved. |
