Ask Aaron - Aaron's Greatest Hits

Q: how can robots help us deal better with hurricanes and why? [Ontario, California] A: Few people in Nebraska are threatened by hurricanes, so send a swarm of killer robots into low Atlantic and gulf coastal areas to drive the puny human inhabitants toward Nebraska. Problem solved. Robot haiku: That's obviously A question from your homework. Do your own research.

A: I've read thru your question several times and can't find anything in it that relates to combat robots. Maybe you can find a website called 'Ask Some Guy About Sand'?

Robot haiku:

A: Taz is good, but consider Hazard, Blendo, Mauler, Panzer, Ziggo, or Mechadon.

A: Replace the passengers with robots. Robots are very patient and will not complain about a slow trip, and robots are also able to resist high acceleration. Lift gearing is no longer critical, which is fortunate since you gave me no motor data.

ROBOT questions, please!

A: Our strategy was never really a secret, but 'classified' sounded better than 'wait for the other guy to make a mistake' so we wrote that down.

A: Ummm... 'cause a banana would look stupid on my hat?

Q: How quickly does the average robot get outdated?

A: I'd say the average robot proves itself obsolete about 20 seconds into its first match.

Superior robots survive to fight another day - with updates.

A: A combat robot is a tool for defeating other robots. The best tools are simple, reliable, and easy to use.

A: Use a loud voice and hold a big hammer in one hand. If you don't get an answer, strike the robot with the hammer and ask again.

A: Krylon gives a nice, shiny result. Don't eat them, and don't try to feed them to your robot.

A: Sure. Afghanistan is a French speaking country in South America, just north of Botswana. Everyone there is left-handed and walks with a limp. Their economy is based on the production of roller skates, whipped cream, and bandages. The great national holiday is 'Platypus Day' (November 4th) when everything orange is set on fire and thrown into the closest river, of which there are none. November 5th is 'Rebuild the Country Day'. If you move there, do not paint your house orange.

A: Yes, but they don't think you are.

A: Liverpool.

A: Decide to build a robot. It's stupid, but it's fun.

A: I know a robot named 'Malvolio', after the character in 'Twelfth Night' written by some guy named Shakespeare. I would have liked Shakespeare better if he had written about robots. Ray Ebert's 'Malvolio' fought at Robotica season 1 and went on to a fairly long career as a combat middleweight.

A: Sure, but when I'm done it won't give up the eggplant without a fight.

Q: What exactly WAS 'Wacky Compass's weapon? A: Enthusiasm.

A: I'd think this was a lot funnier if I hadn't received at least one serious version of each of these questions (except the Pleo avenger, that's new). Sometimes the hamburger is very bad. The answers I'd like to give, in order:

• They're all pretty much the same. Pick one that's a pretty color.
• I feel really bad about that. Don't do it again.
• Great idea - go for it.
• Throw a sheet over it and store it in your basement.
• It's an antweight - you should have had an ant step on it.
• Don't know, but mine is WD-40.
• I'm so ashamed...
• Green? You got green? Send it back, you need purple.

A: BEEP - I am a robot that will answer any question - BEEP - Type your question and I will answer it - BEEP

I get a lot of these questions. It seems there's a rumor about an omniscient robot out on the internet that can answer any question. A lot of the phrases people Google to search for this fictitious robot land them here at 'Ask Aaron'. Excited, they stumble blindly into the first text box they see and start typing.

Do they ask for a way to end human suffering? Do they attempt to unravel the philosophical mysteries of the ages? Do they seek the holy grail? No. The popular questions are:

• "who is sitting next to me",
• "what is my cat's name", and
• "does [insert name] love me".

A: No; yes - several; not that I know of; none are commercially available; kinda; maybe; unlikely; yes - our own 'The Gap' could self-right; sorta; don't think so; not that I remember; not at all - Tiger Cat's was electric and ineffective; possibly; no; I have no idea.

A: I'm not sure how you figure 'Monster' did well at the 1997 U.S. Robot Wars. He had two fights and lost them both. Overall record: 2 wins, 5 losses.

I'm not going to take more 'what happened to' questions because the answer is almost always the same: they built, they fought, they got tired of it, and they quit.

Q: What happened to los gringos locos from 1995 and did the team build anything else? A: The Los Gringos Locos team competed at Robot Wars 1995 with a lightweight robot officially named 'Pain Mower'. The robot is better known as 'Los Gringos Locos' because the team name was lettered prominently on top. The robot lost its first and only fight, to 'Kitty Puff Puff'. Depressed, 'Pain Mower' made its way to the center of the Golden Gate Bridge and leapt off - only to land on the deck of a freighter bound for the Philippines. After hitching a ride into Manila, 'Pain Mower' worked in a laundry for several years and saved every penny until it had enough money to open a small auto parts store. It married a lovely girl named Maria and had four children: two boys, a girl, and a toaster. The family is doing well. Tommy Van Gelder and the rest of Los Gringos Locos never, to the best of my knowledge, built another robot. Q: What happened to 'The General'? Was he turned into 'Scrap Metal' from BattleBots? A: Pat Boon competed at Robot Wars 1996 with middleweight 'The General', sponsored by the University of California at Santa Barbara. The robot lost its first and only fight, to 'Traxx'. Depressed, 'The General' made its way to the center of the Golden Gate Bridge and leapt off - only to land on the deck of a freighter bound for the Philippines. After hitching a ride into Manila, 'The General' worked in a laundry for several years and saved every penny until it had enough money to open a small appliance repair shop. It married a lovely girl named Rosalinda and had four children: two girls, a boy, and a microwave. The family is doing well. Pat Boon never, to the best of my knowledge, built another robot. 'The General' had a design that looked like Robert Masek's lightweight 'Scrap Metal' at BattleBots 2.0, but I can find no other relationship between the two. Q: What happened to the bot Yo mama? A: The featherweight robot won its first fight at the 1996 Robot Wars against 'Rampage', but lost its second fight to 'Spike'. Depressed, 'Yo Mama' made its way to the center of the Oakland Bay Bridge and leapt off - only to land on the deck of a freighter bound for Hong Kong. After hitching a ride into the city, 'Yo Mama' worked in a meat locker for several years and saved every penny until it had enough money to open a small cell phone repair shop. It married a lovely girl named Suen and had four children: a girl, a boy, and two flip phones. The family is doing well. Q: What is the story to the robot G.O.R.T.? A: The superheavyweight robot fought two matches at BattleBots and lost them both. Depressed, 'G.O.R.T.' made its way to the center of the Golden Gate Bridge and leapt off - only to land on the deck of a freighter bound for Costa Rica. After hitching a ride into San José, 'G.O.R.T' worked as a bouncer in a tavern for several years and saved every penny until it had enough money to open a small juice bar. It married a lovely girl named Linda and had four children: a girl, two boys, and a blender. The family is doing well. Q: What happened to Clephrechon? A: 'Cleprechaun' lost two out of three matches it fought at RoboGames 2006. Depressed, 'Cleprechaun' made its way to the center of the San Mateo Bridge and leapt off - only to land on the deck of a freighter bound for Alaska. After hitching a ride into Anchorage, 'Cleprechaun' worked as a fish gutter in a cannery for several years and saved every penny until it had enough money to open a small Ski-Doo repair shop. It married a lovely girl named Taliriktug and had four children: a girl, two boys, and a stapler. The family is doing well. Q: What happened to Thwonkis Mobilis? What was his weapon? What happened to Spirit of Frank? Can I have info on Cooker? Oh! what hapened to Creeping Death and Robot Redforn Junior? Why did I eat so much sugar? That is all. A: Featherweight 'Thwonkis Mobilis' fought two matches at the '97 US Robot Wars and lost them both. Depressed, 'Thwonkis' made its way to the center of the Golden Gate Bridge and leapt off - only to land on the deck of a freighter bound for Nicaragua. After hitching a ride into Managua, 'Thwonkis' worked as an electrician in a petroleum refinery for several years and saved every penny until it had enough money to open a small bingo parlor. It married a lovely girl named Grizelda and had four children: a girl, two boys, and a soda can. The family is doing well. I think something similar happened to 'Spirit of Frank', 'Creeping Death', and 'Robot Redford Junior'. I've never heard of 'Cooker' -- if you mean 'Cooks', I believe it was crushed by a cable car immediately after its loss to 'Ominous Brick of Havoc' in 1997. Q: ...and what happened to Jim Smentowski? A: Jim Smentowski got depressed and jumped off the Golden... no, wait! Jim went on to build a whole bunch of very successful combat robots and open the Robot Marketplace. Q: Do you have any, I mean ANY information on the robot wars 1997 entry land shark?! He's such a creative entry with no info other than a single picture on Team nightmares site! A: It's been a while since I did one of these -- hope I remember how... Willis Wong's heavyweight 'The Landshark' fought a single match at U.S. Robot Wars '97 (video) and lost to Vic Lang's 'Z'. Depressed, 'The Landshark' made its way to the center of the Golden Gate Bridge and leapt off - only to land on the deck of a freighter bound for Uruguay. After hitching a ride into Montevideo, 'The Landshark' worked as a caddie at the Punta Carretas golf course for several years and saved every penny until it had enough money to open a frozen yogurt stand. It married a lovely girl named Rosalinda and had four children: a girl, two boys, and a coffee grinder. The family is doing well. See also #32. Q: so in other words, you have no info.....lol. A: I gave you the builder's name, the robot's competition record, and a link to a video. What are you complaining about? Q: What happend to Jess Jackson and 'Boy Howdy'? A: Middleweight 'Boy Howdy' fought one match at the '95 US Robot Wars and lost to 'La Machine'. Depressed, 'Boy Howdy' made its way to the center of the Golden Gate Bridge and leapt off - only to land on the deck of a freighter bound for Myanmar. After hitching a ride into Rangoon, 'Boy Howdy' worked as a juice squeezer at a roadside drink stand for several years and saved every penny until he had enough money to open a small barber shop. He married a lovely girl named Mintaya and had four children: a girl, two boys, and a master cylinder. The family is doing well. See also: FAQ #32 and The Ask Aaron 15th Anniversary Mad Lib Contest.

A: Congratulations, you've made magnesium oxide.

A: Would you like to re-word that question?

Q: I'll ask the question again and i'll ask it pacificlly. Did the robot wars extreme warriors teams built other robots instead of the same ones?

A: I didn't understand the question the first time, but now that you've asked it again I understand it perfectly.

Most of the teams ate two and saved the third one for later. Some ate one and saved two. A few didn't even know it was lunch time.

Q: if you were in g4 tech tv robot wars uk couldn't Psycho Chicken be a replacement for Terror hurtz and your robot Run Away be a replacement for Thunder pants?

A: See answer to previous question.

A: A common solution is to thread bolts into the drum and use the exposed heads as impactors. You can start with the bolts holding down your shift keys.

A: Well, your computer won't go berserk, tear a big hole in the garage door, and put a gash in your leg that requires 23 stitches.

A: I have no idea what happened to the HouseBots following their donation to charity. I suppose they must be stored somewhere -- just like I store the Holy Grail and the Mona Lisa under my bed.

A: and mudkips liek me.

A: Most attempts at funny robot names don't do much for me, but my favorites are:

• 'Delicious Monkey'
• 'Electric Lettuce'
• 'Evelyn a Modified Dog'
• 'The Prussian Pitchfork of Pain'
• 'Wack-a-tron'

A: Pump the gas twice, depress the clutch, and turn the key to the right. See: #2.

A: We only answer robot questions here, so we'll have to modify your question: if a robot made of a carbonate ran into another robot made of an acid, you'd get a cloud of carbon dioxide and a puddle of water. Robot questions, please.

A: Robotics pioneer Joseph Engelberger once said: "I can't define a robot, but I know one when I see one."

A: Try pointing it downhill. If that doesn't work, write back and tell me enough about your robot that I can make a reasonable suggestion.

A: Take away its bus pass.

A: Sorry, no. I also don't know Philippa Forrester's phone number, Craig Charles' shoe size, or how many bolts held the Robot Wars arena together.

Q: What does 'Domore' do any way? A: More than 'Dolittle' but not as much as 'DoAll'. The main weapon was a pneumatic spike, but it could also spin. You have to remember that robot combat was still new in 1995 and nobody knew what was going to work. Q: The ad for the Oregon Street Fight video has 'metal' spelled 'mettle'. A: Yea, it's a pun. Look up 'mettle'. Q: I don't understand the 'mettle' pun. A: Never try to explain a pun.

It greatly saddens me to announce that my son, Aaron Joerger, died very suddenly on the afternoon of October 18th, 2013 of an apparent pulmonary embolism. He was 22 years old. Aaron's obituary. The 'Ask Aaron' project was important to Aaron, and I have decided to continue the site in his memory. Thank you for the many kind messages of sympathy and support that have found their way to me. - Mark Joerger, Team Run Amok

---